I am divorcing myself. Well, I am divorcing part of myself. I have realized there is part of myself that just isn’t healthy anymore, and it doesn’t make me feel good, so its over.
I have been angry lately. Probably because I have been stressed, and stress makes me angry. It’s the kind of anger that is in my head and if I had to paint a picture of what was going on in there it would be some big angry guy yelling at me and banging my head against a wall. Its not very nice, this angry part of me.
But I am divorcing that angry part of me because I don’t like how it’s effecting the people around me. This angry guy in me (interesting that i visualize a man… more psychoanalysis of that to come in the future) also makes me feel pretty much worthless. And while I feel worthless, I also start thinking I am not good enough to be in a relationship with my lovely Fiance. Does anyone else go there when they get stressed? By there I mean constantly questioning if your partner is going to leave you? Its not fun. And the result of feeling that way is that I try to convince my Fiance not to leave me by desperately doing nice things for him. Yuck. I mean, yuck that I am desperate, not that I do nice things.
Anyhow, this last angry episode got me really feeling inadequate, and it took me to a place where I was almost resentful of my Fiance for having such a wonderful family. I resented this because my family could be considered by some as dysfunctional; the anger I still have towards my parents turns me into a zombie-like mute sometimes when I am at their house. I am too nice to get angry, but too angry to say anything nice, lol.
Anyhow, another piece of all this is that I have been relying on my guy to reassure me more and more lately. So, when I feel angry I turn to him subconsciously to make me feel better. As lovely, and as kind, and as caring as he is, he fails. Only because anyone would fail to make another person happy, because it isn’t their job and they don’t know what the other person needs. So more anger has been mounting and I have been directing my problems at lovely Fiance.
So, I am walking around like a time bomb, raging and fuming inside and very much ready to give up on anything, but part of me feels a bit like a sissy for wanting to give up (thanks angry man voice for that lovely sissy insult).
The advice someone gave me for when I get raging inside is to ask myself why I am angry and to just look at the anger without judging. This is the last thing I want to do because for some reason the anger feels good. But today I sat and asked myself why I am angry, where this angry man voice is coming from. And I start tracing it back. First I come up with a laundry list of why I am angry; I let myself down, I let Matt see that I was insecure, I was antisocial at work today, I didn’t keep in-touch recently with a good friend. I quickly concluded that these weren’t necessarily valid excuses for being angry because I had good reasons for each of the grievances. I was antisocial at work because of mister angry voice, I let Matt see that I was insecure because he is important to me (and partly because I wanted him to make it feel better) and I have been crazy stressed with school and hadn’t kept in touch with a friend.
So, the next question was, why am I beating myself up so much for all this? And I thought back. And I realized angry man in my head was very similar to all the people in my life growing up. Critical, judging my actions, seeing me as something bad; that was what I felt the adults in my life were doing as I grew up. And I assumed they were right, and I continued feeling that way.
But, I have had the goal of learning who I really am and didn’t realize until today that angry voice man was getting in the way of that. I took over the negative judging that I experienced growing up and started doing it for myself. But what I was doing was not seeing the good side of me. I was judging myself as bad without all the facts. I was ignoring and marginalizing myself!
I was floored when I realized I was stopping the process of learning about myself. I can’t believe I let the angry and critical voices continue for so long. I just thought they were normal!
So, now I decided to divorce the angry voices. They aren’t welcome anymore. They are the ones that make me feel insecure and worthless, and when I feel that way, I turn to the people I love to make me feel better, when really I need to take care of that myself.
I am so relieved I discovered that i can separate judgement from my actions. I know it will still take some time but already I just feel like I can breathe a bit better, without some angry dude in my head breathing down my throat. He isn’t welcome anymore.
P.S. I love you forever Matt (you probably are reading this since you follow the blog)